3 years ago I had my heart broken.
I invested 4 years of my life in someone who I truly loved and cared for, someone who I grew with, someone who became my person, someone who I gave my all to. Those years held some of the best moments of my life – moments that I still keep close to my heart.
Just like anyone else, we went through our share of ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I knew where my heart was. This person was my everything, the center of my world, the reason I wanted to be and do better… And I guess that’s why I lost myself once they walked out of my life.
After the breakup I was completely broken. I couldn’t believe that someone I who I spent 4 years with could leave so easily, and I blamed myself. I believed that if I had known better, if I had done something different, if I had loved them a little more, if I gave them more attention, then maybe things wouldn’t have ended. That pain and brokenness overtook every aspect of my life, so much that I let those things become who I am.
There were days where I couldn’t get myself out of bed. There were days I spent looking through old photos, reliving the memories that once made me the happiest I’ve ever been, but now broke my heart over and over again. There were days where I longed to be around people I love, but didn’t reach out because I believed those people didn’t love me. There were days I spent writing out what I would say to the person of my past if they were to ever come back. There were days I shut out everything and everyone because I couldn’t handle facing anything, knowing that I had failed the one I loved the most.
Although the days were hard, the nights were even harder.
There were nights where I stayed awake because the thoughts in my head consumed me. There were other nights I cried myself to sleep as my mind replayed what was said. There were nights where I was just so angry that I threw things around and punched walls and doors, hoping that the physical pain would make the emotional pain stop. There were nights I spent going through the contacts on my phone, wanting to call or text someone, anyone, to have and feel some sort of companionship after feeling so alone. There were nights where I told myself “This is it, I’m not living to see tomorrow.” There were nights where I cried out to God, asking Him what I did to deserve what I was going through.
Here I am, 3 years later, and this breakup still has a hold on me. To some it may seem crazy to care so much about this after so long, especially after the other person has moved on and started new chapters in their own journey. Maybe it is, but this is who I am. When I fall, I fall hard. When I love, I love with all my heart. When I feel, I feel everything intensely and sometimes I feel too much. This is who I am and 3 years later, I’ve finally began to accept it.
The past 3 years have been tough — emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically. Although it’s felt like an uphill battle, I wouldn’t go back and change anything, even if I could. I’ve learned so much about who I am, who I want to be, why I am the way I am, and what I’m made of. For that, I am thankful.
To the person who broke my heart, if by some miracle you’re reading this — I want to say something that I never had the courage to say before… Thank you. Thank you for the 4 years we spent together. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for helping me learn why and how I love others. Thank you for trying to help me become comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for helping me grow. But most of all, thank you for leaving when you did. When you chose to walk out of my life, although it was messy and painful, it changed me for the better. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, because I do. I miss my best friend, my person, and the times we had together. We may have not talked for years on end, but there isn’t a day that goes by where you don’t cross my mind. Wherever you are, whatever chapter of your life you’re on, I wish you the best.