Today’s blog post is an open letter. I wanted to preface this with a little disclaimer.
I’ve posted and shared open letters with all of you before, but this one is much more personal than the others. I originally wrote this in my journal because I just needed to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I never planned for anyone to read this, solely because it’s shows a part of my heart that I try to keep hidden.
When thinking about what to post today, I realized that most of my posts this month have been more about the “happy” side of love, but there’s more to love and just that. Sometimes, love has the power break you, especially when love is blind — which is what my love for this person was.
You may be thinking, “But you just wrote about your first love earlier this week…” Yes, that’s true, but this post is someone who came into my life after my first love.
I wanted to share this with all of you to show the side of love that people are uncomfortable talking about, the side that isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. (Kudos to you if you understand that reference!)
Here’s an open letter to the person I’ve loved and lost.
Lots of my time (maybe too much) has been spent thinking about what I would say to you if we ever spoke again, but now that I’m writing this, I’m struggling. There’s so much I want to say, but I have no idea where I should start.
We were part of each other’s lives for so long. We became best friends in an instant and somewhere along the line, we fell in love. For the longest time, I believed it was fate that brought us together, because that’s what I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe that you were in my life to save me from all the pain and hurt I experienced in the past, but more so, to save me from myself. What I failed to realize then is that I needed to work on me before being with anyone else. I made the mistake of looking for love when I was lonely, not when I was ready.
I never would’ve thought you’d become my best friend.
I never would’ve thought we would end up together.
I never would’ve thought we would share a chapter in our lives together.
I never would’ve thought I would try so hard to keep you in my life.
I never would’ve thought that one day I would lose you completely.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for treating you badly, for saying and doing things without thinking about how they would effect you, for not being or giving you my best, but most of all, I’m sorry for bringing you down when I should have been lifting you up. There are so many things I’ve said and done while we were together that I’m not proud of, things that I would go back in time and fix if I could… But I can’t. I’ll always be sorry for all the things I’ve done wrong, because I know better and you definitely deserved better.
I miss you. Missing you has become more of a part of who I am, not just something I feel from time to time. I miss having you in my life. I miss knowing that you were just a text, phone call, or short car ride away. There’s no one else that knows me the way you do, and there’s surely no one that can take your place in my life or in my heart.
I truly did love you. While we were together, I always loved you. There was never a time where I questioned my feelings for you, although there were many times I questioned our relationship and your feelings for me. I loved you through the arguments, through the times our relationship was tested, and even through the pain I felt when you decided to walk away.
I’m thankful for you. Yes, we went through some pretty bad times, but none of those times will ever change how thankful I am that you were a part of my life. You’ve taught me so much, not just about you or our relationship, but about myself, how I love others, what I should change, and most importantly, you taught me how to have patience with myself and with others.
As much as I wish you were still in my life, I know that there’s a reason God has led us to separate journeys. I know you’re happy where you are now, and I know that you never would have reached that point if I had stuck around. I wish I could say that I’m happy because you’re happy, but that would be a lie. It still hurts. It hurts knowing that you’re happy while I’m still grieving. It hurts knowing that I sacrificed whatever I could so that you could be happy, leaving myself broken in the process. It hurts knowing that you’re still my person, even if I’m not yours.
After all that we went through, it saddens me to know that now, we’re just strangers who share a past. Maybe one day we’ll talk again. Maybe on that day it’ll seem like we’re picking up right where we left off, as if none of the fights or yelling ever happened. Maybe we’ll never speak again and all we’ll have of each other are the memories. I guess we’ll just have to let things play out. In the meantime, I’ll take this one day at a time.
I wish you nothing but the best.