Something I strongly believe in is that you should never stop learning because everyday is a new learning opportunity.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting lately. There has been many different things I’ve learned and even relearned this year. Out of everything I’ve learned, I keep thinking back to one specific thing.
The most important thing I’ve learned in 2016 is:
I am NOT broken beyond repair.
The past two years have been very difficult for me. From getting out of a long-term relationship, to leaving the life I built for four years and moving back home, to dealing with my job situation, to losing a loved one, to struggling with the ongoing chaos in my mind. With all that happened and continued to happen, I put myself in a dark place, a place where I would never send anyone, even my worst enemies.
I was and still am broken.
I let my brokenness define me. I built walls to keep everyone out, to save them from the darkness that engulfed me.
For a long time I learned to live in my brokenness and managed to work around the mess which surrounded me, only to learn later that I could live that way for only so long before completely losing it.
I was convinced that I would never get better, that I would always be stuck in the same cycle. I thought that I was so broken and so helpless that nothing and no one could fix me. But, I was wrong. Thank God I was wrong.
It was only a matter of time before I completely broke down. I could no longer live the way I lived for so long. I needed to find help. Finding help was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Little did I know, that was just the tip of the iceberg.
I spoke with my mentors and shared EVERYTHING I was going through. It was scary at first, giving life to my problems and saying them out loud, but I’m glad I did.
Thoughts were shared.
Advice was given.
Tears were shed.
It took my mentor telling me “You need to know that you are not broken beyond repair,” for me to open my eyes to a small sparkle of light that helped me to keep holding on.
Was it true? Am I really not broken beyond repair? Could I really leave behind the darkness and brokenness that I was accustomed to?
For too long I tried to do everything on my own, I tried to figure out why I was so different from others and I even tried to “fix” things all by myself. I did anything and everything I thought would help, but all of it yielded no progress. This time around, I knew I had to do something different.
I chose to seek help, professional help. Although I never wanted to hear the things my doctor told me, it was a big relief to finally put a name to what I was feeling and to know that I wasn’t alone.
I’ve felt this way since I was 14 years old. Since then, people have told me that I’ll get over it eventually, that everything I felt was just a phase and it wasn’t important. I believed them. I waited and waited for things to get better, but they didn’t… Until now.
Things aren’t exactly perfect and I’m definitely not where I want to be, but I am no longer where I was. I’m finally on the road to recovery.
I know there are many of you out there that feel the way I do and are afraid to seek help. If that’s you, if you’ve been waiting for a sign, THIS IS IT.
If you feel like everything is caving in on you, seek help.
If you can’t make sense of the turmoil in your mind, seek help.
If you believe things will never get better, seek help.
If you feel helpless and hopeless, seek help.
If you have tried everything but haven’t made progress, seek help.
You are not alone. You are not broken beyond repair. Recovery is possible.
As one of my favorite organizations, TWLOHA, says:
Hope is real. Help is real. Your story is important.
Please visit the To Write Love On Her Arms ‘Find Help’ page to find resources to help you start your road to recovery.